Lonley in the middle of a crowded room....

"How are you doing?" ..... "I am doing, ok." This seems to be the extent of most of my conversations in the last 3 or 4 days.

This has to be the hardest thing I am having to walk through right now. I thought that my total of almost 3 years in Teen Challenge were a challenge. Well this is showing itself to be much harder. To sit in a room alone and know that you have this awesome God to talk to anytime you want, and have homework you can do, but all you want to do is have someone tangible to talk to and share feelings between is hard. I can talk to God and pray and hear from Him, that is not the issue. We have human, fleshly desires that are hard to deal with sometimes. We all like having that person we are closest to that we share everything with. That person you talk to first when you wake up and they are the last person you talk to before you go to bed. Well for me I have always had someone to do that with. I have always found myself in one relationship after another. But now I am sitting in this place where it feels extra lonely. I have me.... and God. I am finding this a hard place to be in right now. Especially while you are hurting and feeling lonely from a lost relationship.


The hardest part about losing this relationship is that it was great... but it wasn't what God has for me. I know He has something better for me but it is hard to not get the feeling of, "this isn't fair". I was happy with him and he was happy with me. I thought things were just fine. But God saw something I can't see and so I know there is a good reason for what God has recently done in my life. I am just not enjoying the pain I have to sit through that comes with it.

I find myself sitting at my computer with nothing to do. I can't sleep at night hardly. I am sleepy during the day, so I take naps. I think I am having a little depression which is normal for after a break up. I just wish I could move through this stage a little faster. I don't enjoy having random thoughts through out the day about him and not being able to talk to him and having to just accept that this is how it has to be. It would be easier if it was a bad break up and we were mad at each other but the hard fact is that things were great and I was the one that had to make the call when God told me to end it and break his heart. That is the hard thing for me. I just want to be his friend but I can't even have that because I hurt him so much he won't even talk to me. Plus God has told me to clear my life of all the things that would cause me to go back to any of the hindrances I have had in my life.

I know "this too shall pass".....

Broken

It is the hardest thing in the world to admit when we are wrong or broken or even hurting. This world has put an idea in our mind that we have to stand strong and that we don't show our weakness'. Well I am about to blow that out of the water.

This week has been the hardest yet easiest week of my Christian walk. I have faced sadness, anger, bitterness, hate, weakness and heartbreak. I was on the brink of losing everything I have obtained through God.

I have learned an amazing lesson of who God is and another aspect of His character was revealed to me. God is that parent that you need when you don't have anyone that will give you the harsh reality and tough love that you need in that very moment. He will tell you how it is.

We have this view of God and idea of Him that is sometimes clouded. We think that He has no problem letting us run around in our mess, sitting there waiting for us to get it right. WE ARE WRONG!!!  Yes God is a gentlemen and won't push Himself on anyone. But the thing I learned most in the last couple days is that there is a point when God get's tired of watching us do this to ourselves.

For me it has been easy to lay down drugs and alcohol but I have battled with an even bigger demon in my life... and addiction to men. With this there is also an underlying addiction to love (in any form). God has been very patient with me and watched me make my mistakes after mistakes, saying "ok let's get this right already." I chose to keep trying to do it my way and think that I knew what I was doing and that I had this part of my life under control.

Well this week it has come to a screeching halt. When God finally gets fed up with you wandering in the wilderness He will take action to move you. He comes to you with two choices, very black and white. You can either stop this wandering and serve me completely and listen to me or you can go and do your own thing and I won't have anything to do with it. These are very scary choices that He gives you.

I have to say that personally I know better than to pick the later statement. I have seen what happens when you are not serving God and then I have seen what happens when you fully serve God with everything in you. So when I was faced with this decision in my life last night in the middle of a worship event here at my school I knew exactly which option I would choose. I just didn't know how. I was scared and afraid of what I was going to have to do to get to that choice. It involved hurting someone else. But God reminded me that if I put everything in His hands and chose to follow Him completely then He would take care of that.

I had to step out in faith and do something though in order to make that choice. So God being the merciful and gracious God He is... walked me through every step and renewed my strength all along the way. I made it through the initial decision. Now it is a daily decision to not turn back. It can be so easy to look back and think that it looks better back there.

I am making a choice that I am putting my hands to the plow and not looking back. I know that God has some amazing things ahead for me and I am going to just be open and ready. I am choosing to be a FAT christian. (Faithful Available and Teachable) I am ready for God to open doors and send me and use me in any way He needs and now that I have a certain aspect of my life open He can do that easier.

I am realizing that God can use me more when it is just me and Him than He ever could if I had someone else stuck to me in my life. I don't have to worry about the choice that someone else is going to make, all I have to worry about is what God is telling me and how I will follow. I am happy being in that place.

So I am entering the Potter's Hands again and asking to be broken and made new for Him to use. I can't wait to see what my potter makes this time.