Lonley in the middle of a crowded room....

"How are you doing?" ..... "I am doing, ok." This seems to be the extent of most of my conversations in the last 3 or 4 days.

This has to be the hardest thing I am having to walk through right now. I thought that my total of almost 3 years in Teen Challenge were a challenge. Well this is showing itself to be much harder. To sit in a room alone and know that you have this awesome God to talk to anytime you want, and have homework you can do, but all you want to do is have someone tangible to talk to and share feelings between is hard. I can talk to God and pray and hear from Him, that is not the issue. We have human, fleshly desires that are hard to deal with sometimes. We all like having that person we are closest to that we share everything with. That person you talk to first when you wake up and they are the last person you talk to before you go to bed. Well for me I have always had someone to do that with. I have always found myself in one relationship after another. But now I am sitting in this place where it feels extra lonely. I have me.... and God. I am finding this a hard place to be in right now. Especially while you are hurting and feeling lonely from a lost relationship.


The hardest part about losing this relationship is that it was great... but it wasn't what God has for me. I know He has something better for me but it is hard to not get the feeling of, "this isn't fair". I was happy with him and he was happy with me. I thought things were just fine. But God saw something I can't see and so I know there is a good reason for what God has recently done in my life. I am just not enjoying the pain I have to sit through that comes with it.

I find myself sitting at my computer with nothing to do. I can't sleep at night hardly. I am sleepy during the day, so I take naps. I think I am having a little depression which is normal for after a break up. I just wish I could move through this stage a little faster. I don't enjoy having random thoughts through out the day about him and not being able to talk to him and having to just accept that this is how it has to be. It would be easier if it was a bad break up and we were mad at each other but the hard fact is that things were great and I was the one that had to make the call when God told me to end it and break his heart. That is the hard thing for me. I just want to be his friend but I can't even have that because I hurt him so much he won't even talk to me. Plus God has told me to clear my life of all the things that would cause me to go back to any of the hindrances I have had in my life.

I know "this too shall pass".....